baby3194’s blog

QotD: I'm Not Telling

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 18:13:13 -0700

What question do you hate being asked?

There are plenty but the first thing I thought of was the questions my teachers ask..
I hate hate hate it when teachers (or parents I guess) are giving you a lecture and the first thing out of their mouth usually is "Do you know why you are here?" and "Why did you do it?"
Oh my gosh it drives me INSANE! Half the time I honestly don't know what I did I just get in trouble for it.. than I hate how they ask the question than they just stare at you.. and the whole time I am like "What the fuck?? I don't know the answer. You are just sitting here yelling at me.. jerkk!"
Ergg.. teachers..

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QotD: Family History

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:29:04 -0700

What do you find interesting or unique about your family history?

Most of the interesting stuff is on my mom's side. She is into the whole genealogy thing. But any way..
I don't know exacts! Like if they are an uncle or grandad but I guess it doesn't really matter..

On my mom's side: There was a governor of Nebraska (ooohhh huge and famous right! =D ) Also, I have a family member who was in the searching party to find Abraham Lincoln's killer.. don't know exact details about that but I know he was in one of the search parties. I am also related to Daniel Boone!

Like I said I don't know much about my Dad's side. But I can say a little about my heritage.. my great- grandparents came over from Germany and my Grandma was born in America. But her parents couldn't really speak English.. so she had a thick German accent and couldn't say certain English words. So I guess that makes me like.. one-fourth German. But unfortuanatley.. I never met her.. she died before I was born..

But you know what I think.. I think if you go back far enough we are all related to someone famous or someone important.. so does it really matter?? I honestly don't think it does.. But you know that is my personal opinion!

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Crashing..

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 12:53:16 -0700

I would say that this day can't get any worse.. but I honestly wouldn't even be that surprised if it did..
Yeah, I could sit here and describe the horrible pain that is running through my body right now..
The fact that I feel extrememly fat and I am choosing not to eat today..
The fact that NO holiday ever works out for me.. it is just shitty..
Or the fact.. that I have been relizing that I am truly alone.. that everyone hates me and no one really listens..

I could go on and on.. but I just feel like sulking..
I hope that everyone has a great 4th because I sure as hell won't! But you know.. whats changed??

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QotD: Rinse... and Repeat?

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:24:08 -0700

How long do you take in the shower?
Submitted by Strive2Be.

Generally 30-40 minutes.. but if I shave it takes about 45-55 minutes.. I love my showers! =)

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Oh Canada!

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 11:47:09 -0700

Okay I can't show you people my favorite Canadian so I guess I am going to break the Vox rules! =)
So here is my contribution to Canada on Canada Day!!
I love love love Canada.. I have loved it for the past couple years but I have come to a conclusion this year.. I am moving to Canada (perferably Mission, British Columbia.. or any where near Vancouver.. but you know we will see..) straight out of high school.. I am leaving Nebraska (which I do love.. to a certain extent..). Why you ask?? Why not just go to college somewhere else in the states?? Why move soo far away?? Well because I know there is sooo much more to life. There is more out there and I am not the type to sit and think about all of those wonderful things! I am the type to go out and see it! I need to leave Nebraska in order to help myself and other people. Plus I can't stand being this close to my father and yet so far away from him. My family isn't supportive at all.. I feel like I am on my own.. I am trying to prove to them that I can do this.. I can be independent (I kinda already am..) and that I can be successful. I am just trying to prove everyone wrong and if that requires me to move thousands of miles away.. I am fine with that! Also I just love Canada.. I mean it is gorgeous.. there are nice people there.. and they seem better "ran".. like the whole health care system and education.. it is soo much better than what America has. Don't get me wrong.. I love America.. it is an amazing country and I am so fortunate to be in the country.. I will always love the U.S and Nebraska.. but I have to move on and see other things and do other things. Canada is such an amazing country and hopefully my future "home". So maybe one day I will be a Canadian-American! hehe.. if that is even possible!
By the way I always say "Eh?" and I get made fun of for it.. so why not move to the country that says that every other word! hehe.. I kid that is not the ONLY reason I am moving there.. =)
P.S- The reason I can't show you my favorite Canadian is because I love all Canadians.. I mean my 3 favorite bands are from there.. Mike Meyers.. Jim Carrey apparently is from there.. umm I don't know the kids name (hehe) but the kid from Superbad (who is adorable by the way).. so you see if you are born in Canada.. you are instantly a star.. I guess Canada just has that vibe!

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QotD: What Can Blogging Do for You?

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 11:26:47 -0700

What does blogging do for you?
Submitted by Madeleine Rose.

Blogging helps me get everything out. That is probably a common answer but I don't care. Considering NO ONE reads this thing.. I can pretty much say what I want and no one really cares. I have always loved to write because it helps me get away.. and when I write about my life it helps to not just think about it over and over and let it consume me and make me cry... it is sooo much easier to read it and have it in front of me.. you know?? For some reason it is kinda like therapy.. just without the akward silences and being forced to say certain things! =)

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Update Possibly??

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 16:09:48 -0700

I felt like blogging and for some reason I like to make lists so here we go:

1. Lately I have been in the "To Do List" mood. Like, I have to right everything I want to do down or else I know I won't do it.. hehe.. I don't know if that is a good trait or not! But I am slowly getting things done.

2. I have been doing devotions lately. (I skipped last night cause I had more "important" things to do.) I mean they really help.. it really helps you feel closer to God and you get a better understanding and I feel so much more confident in my religion.

3. Yet I am still having problems.. they are certain people in my life that I deal with only because I have to. Or I use them. Yes that sounds horribly sad but the only reason I talk to them is because if I have no one else to hang out with I still have them to hang out with. It is oober pathetic and I need to stop. But there is two girls I want to talk about. One of them gets on my nerves randomly. I can stand her only to a certain extent. She pissed me off horribly and now I can't even stand talking to her. Whenever I have talked to her lately my skin crawls and I get sooooo angry. I personally don't like that side of me. I have no idea on how I should handle her. Than there is this other girl. She drives me insane because somtimes she is super rude but we share a lot in common. I mean I am rude a lot of the time too. Any way I have mentioned her before and I am still SOOOOOOOO jeoulous of her. I mean I can't stand it! I call her and talk to her and I would love to just live her life for a week!!! I mean I don't even want to talk to her because I get so jeoulous. I have no idea what is wrong with me..

4. Okay the whole eating thing.. I feel obligated to talk about it on here.. I don't know why though. I have eaten cookie dough today and that is it. I don't plan on eating anything else today. But I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I think I know the reason behind it but I honestly don't. It is freaking me out. I mean it kind of goes along with me not knowing who I am anymore. I don't know if I am the funny person or the mean person or the shy person or the happy person. I just don't know. I feel like every thing that people think I am.. is just a lie. That every emotion I show people is just a cover up. I think that is why I get so emotion and cry so much because I am always covering things up. But I don't know what to do. I personally want to go back to not talking about my life and just add the not eating part. I don't want to stop not eating. So I don't know which way is up and which way is down because I don't know me. How are you suppose to find yourself when your whole life has been listening to what other people say about you and believing that?? I don't know what to do... We will see but so far the only thing I want to do is (a.) Live my life for God. (b.) Not eat. (c.) Not talk about my life with people anymore. That is the only plan I have so far and I guess I am going to have to stick with it!

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I just love God! =-)

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 17:00:52 -0700

I got back from camp Saturday.. even though no one cares I want to write about what happened..

1. I got pissed at some people cause they like to start drama... so yeahh...
2. I told two people my whole life story.. because they were talking about keeping things in your heart and that just keeps you farther away from God.. and it really does. So I told my counseler who actually went through an eating disorder so she understood that part.. and than I told Katie.. who pissed me off sooooo badd! I mean I told her than she was a total ass ( yeah I didn't stop cursing..). I mean I hate the fact that I told her but maybe it was a good thing. Maybe now she will relize that there is soooo much more out there and she needs to get out of her dumb box..
3. I made a pact with God. He gives me strength and I will strive (with him walking by me of course) and I will actually give him a half hour of my day. I told him to have faith in me and I will return the favor.. I told him to just watch me live the plan he has for me.. even though I am still going to be going through trouble.
4. I still don't know the answer to "Why??" but I have a feeling God isn't done writing my story and I have to be even more patient and sooner or later I will have the answers I need.
5. I just kinda relized that I love having my eating disorder. It is comfort for me. I mean not eating makes me feel better and I actually like doing it. I feel like I have control over that and no one can stop me from it.. unlike a thousand other things in my life. So I don't know what that means..
6. I guess camp helped me relize that I do have a purpose and that I have to keep helping other people before I help myself.. I don't know why God wants that but I know he does. I also relized I have to have more patience with God and other people cause you can be amazed what you discovered. Oh, yeah... I relized.. people are kinda "freaked out" by the way I view life.. I mean not like "OMG" freaked out but I mean they just don't expect that from a 14 year old. I'm not dumb.. I know what I am doing and I think it out.. I refuse to follow other people's ideas of "normal". I honsestly believe God me wants to be a little different so I can prove everyone wrong. I mean my whole life has been me following other people's opinions and I didn't listen to myself.. So I think God is going to give me the chance in the future to prove all those people that laughed in my face wrong.. hmmm.. we will see I guess.. =-)

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QotD: Random Acts of Kindness

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 16:45:50 -0700

What was your random act of kindness today?
Submitted by Cher Cabula.

Well.. I just got done mowing the lawn. I usually don't even when my mom asks.. I just argue.. so I guess I am a good person now.. hehe! =)

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Camp here I come..

nobody@vox.com(baby3194) — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 10:30:46 -0700

Well everyone.. I am going to camp today and I won't be back till Saturday. I am still having some family issues and I am having eating problems still.. but I personally think I am losing weight little by little.. but personally it is not enough.. So I hope going to Bible camp will help me like it always does.. God always opens my eyes when I get there. So maybe I will stop starving myself.. maybe not.. I am not getting much support from the people I know but we will see. I hope everyone has a good week!

God Bless!
- Jaime

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