The Green Monster??

well.. I want to cry. Why is it that I am so jealous?? Gosh. I hate everything. I feel great than I just crash and burn. I did good tonight. You're probably wondering what happened. But it's 12 in the morning and I don't want to reminisce. It's just really hard. I was always "oohh your so cute." Yeaa. when I was 5. Now, I don't get compliments and it is sooo hard. I have a gorgeous friend. Guys love her. I hate being this way. Gosh here comes the tears.... I don't know how to handle it. I hate being the ugly duckling. I tryed hard tonight. I didn't shake when the guys came and talked to me. I tryed to talk back. I can't even tell her that I'm so jealous. She is IMing me and asking what's wrong. I can't tell her. I'm crying and trying to be happy. But you can't when you been ignored your whole life. I hate not having people understand. (I'm just writing things that are popping up in my head. Please bare with me.) What if I am always going to be the "hot girls best friend that doesn't have a guy." I hate this.. :(. She's trying to help. But she doesn't see my tears. And I don't want her to. Maybe it's being 13 but.. I know I'm not attractive. but gosh. I want something god damnit. I don't want to be like this forever. I tried right?? Why doesn't that count in this fucking world?? I'm shaking and crying and I have the worst feeling in my stomach. It hurts soo bad. I can't change my face... but I just wished that girls with some acne and glasses and an over bite could be a little more attractive. I have goosebumps. I don't know. I want to give up.. but I can't. You know?? I gotta push.. but how do you push something you don't have control over....